Dick Punch

Thoughts On History.

2009-01-20T21:45:00.002-06:00

Today, Barack Obama was sworn in as the United States 44th President, and to me, it was something to witness, albeit, from afar.

If you missed his swearing in or his speech, and have not watched it yet, I feel sorry for you. While being sworn in, there was some natural fumbling, which was great for me. Because it proves, once again, that Barack Obama is, in essence like the rest of us, human. He is not perfect, nor does he pretend to be. His speech however, was perfect, and inspiring.

Again, if you have not seen it or read it, you are missing out, and should go here and read it.

What I really noticed about the day overall though, was the general mood of people I encountered. Never in the past 8 years of my life have I seen people so happy. Corny as that may sound, it was the truth. Customers were smiling a little more than usual. no one wanted to argue about petty shit. It was as if there was, finally, a greater understanding among people that there was something to be positive about, that we, as a country, are finally taking a turn for the better.

There was one part of his speech in particular that really grabbed me, so I'll leave you with that in hopes that you will read the rest:

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace." - Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States.

The Tale Of A Shit And Piss Factory.

2009-01-18T21:42:00.003-06:00

Old people. We all know them. We're all related to them. They are, quite literally, everywhere.

Well, that is exactly where the problem lies. Now I'm not a person that lives at a break-neck speed, but old people are slow. Very slow. Extremely fucking slow. When you're driving behind an old person, do you not want to fucking pull them from their car and beat them? Sure, you can scream and yell until you're hoarse, but what good will that do? They cannot see you anyway, because, as always, they have a pillow and a box of Kleenex in the back window.

WHY DO YOU NEED A FUCKING PILLOW AND BOX OF KLEENEX IN A BACK WINDOW!?!?!?!?

My grandmother on my mom's side of the family is being moved into a nursing home tomorrow. Good. I have nothing against her, (except for the fact that she enjoys the word 'nigger' a bit too much,) but she has been sucking the life out of her children and specifically my mom for years now. My grandfather died shortly after I was born, and then she was living with my family. She does not drive, she will not take the bus anywhere. She cannot see, she cannot hear. And now, she cannot walk on her own.

Now I'm not saying that old people should be locked away and kept out of the daylight like Gremlins, but when they reach a certain age, they should have the common courtesy to know they cannot get around on their own anymore, and should probably move into an assisted living community or a nursing home. Why become a subject of burden and hatred for your family? Is that really how you want to spend your remaining years on earth? Having everyone despise you?

"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinese Democracy." Part Two.

2008-12-01T21:43:00.004-06:00

Listen. I know I was going to do a track-by-track review of 'Chinese Democracy,' but it's truly such an awful record that I don't want to give it that much attention. So instead, I found a picture that describes exactly how the album made me feel.

"Forget it Jake, it's Chinese Democracy." Part One.

2008-11-18T21:55:00.003-06:00

Well well.

After god knows how many years and how many different versions have been made, Guns N Roses 'Chinese Democracy' is finally set to be released this Sunday. Yes, a Sunday, November 23rd, and exclusively through Best Buy.

Now don't get me wrong. I could absolutely care less about this record. The mere fact that they're doing it through Best Buy makes me care even less about it, (coming from a guy who is still hurt by the fact AC/DC went the Wal-Mart route.) What does intrigue me, however, is the fact that there are people out there excited for this thing.

I've listened to various tracks in various states over the years, and it has only gone from awful to worse. I cannot imagine anything more terrible than a fat, corn-rowed Axl still trying to convince people that his music is relevant.

Let's face facts.

When you hear old GNR now, how does it sound to you? good, bad? Because to me, it's laughable. It all sounds downright childish, and more than just a little self-serving to that man's ego.

With all that being said, I will be listening to 'Chinese Democracy' on Sunday, as per the suggestion of my esteemed friend Joseph Froemming. We will be doing a drinking/listening party, at which point I'll be doing a track-by-track update here on Dick Punch.

Just to prepare you for the laughter and tears of part two, HEEERRREE'SS AXL!!!!

The Great and Impending Fuck-Off Of Musical Integrity.

2008-01-07T23:01:00.000-06:00

Two articles have piqued my interest as of late when it comes to how shitty (most) music has become.
The first ran in a recent issue of Rolling Stone. It talked about the death of fidelity in modern music. It described how most producers are just making the recordings louder and louder now, as to only gear the music toward people who use ipods and listen to mp3s. The article went into great detail of bands that are an example of this, and had quippets from "experts" that swore fidelity doesn't matter to music fans anymore. Excuse me... BULLSHIT.
Considering the amount of time on any given day I spend listening to music, I would like to think that fidelity is a huge issue to me. I don't want whatever it is I'm listening to, to just come across as a huge wall of nondescript noise. Call me old-fashioned, but I like when there's a wide stereo field that I can pick out instruments in. I love being able to pick up the intricate detail in the mix of a song. But then again, that's just me, maybe I'm crazy.

The second article that caught my attention was posted in a bulletin on myspace by H2O of Chunklet. It was an article from the Washington Post of all places, (the full article can be found here,) describing how now days, the success of a band can be attributed to the commercial (advertising sales) success they have.
This really got me thinking. Most bands these days, be it a Tom Petty type all the way to someone like Iron & Wine, hawk their songs in a heartbeat to sell shit like Skittles. How much meaning does a song have anymore when it's used to sell anything from candy to cars? Not much.

It turns out, there is very little to no integrity to be had anymore when it comes to music. I know artists that I love have gone the way of the big sellout, all under the guise that it exposes their music to a larger audience. Well, if that's the way some of these artists wish to use their music, that's fine. But I, for one, know this; I can't sit and enjoy a Bob Dylan song anymore when the only thing that comes to mind when I hear it is, "I had better run out and buy an Escalade!" So many of these same people claim day in and day out that they stick to their beliefs, and how important it is to do so. Right. That's why M.I.A. and Wilco sell cars with their songs. That's why Death Cab For Cutie use their music to sell food.

Until these hip, indie artists realize how they are marginalizing their music so greatly, I'm afraid I'll have to stick with bands that give a damn about what they're doing, even if it means them having to fight to make a name for themselves, I would imagine it would be far more satisfying for them at the end of the day.

Everything You Enjoyed This Year Sucked.

2007-12-30T10:45:00.000-06:00

Nothing fancy at all, just basic year-end best-of lists from yours truly, and in no particular order, with no smarmy commentary:

Music:
Monotonix - Monotonix
Wolves In The Throne Room - Two Hunters
Boris with Merzbow - Rock Dream
Seawhores - Opus Magnanimous
Tom Brosseau - Cavalier
Drakkar Sauna - Jabraham Lincoln
Earth - Hibernaculum
Les Savy Fav - Let's Stay Friends
Om - Pilgrimage
Neurosis - Given To The Rising
Black Lips - Good Bad Not Evil

Comedy:
Patton Oswalt - Werewolves & Lollipops
Michael Ian Black - I Am A Wonderful Man
Michael Showalter - Sandwiches & Cats
Greg Proops - Joke Book
Nick Swardson - Party
Maria Bamford - How To Win!
Comedy Death Ray

DVDs:
Ratatouille
The Comedians Of Comedy Live At The Troubador
Zach Galifianakis - Live At The Purple Onion
Reno 911:Miami (unrated)
Tom Goes To The Mayor, Complete Series
Morel Oral, Vol. 1
Knocked Up
Sarah Silverman Program, Season One
Lucky Louie
Louis CK - Shameless
R. Kelly - Trapped In The Closet 1-22

Books:
(honestly, I didn't read enough this year, but these two, I enjoyed)
Elliott Smith by Autumn De Wilde (photo collection)
The Replacements: All Over But The Shouting: An Oral History by Jim Walsh

Ga Ga Ga Ga Give It Up.

2007-12-29T15:04:00.000-06:00

Spoon. Who's dick did this band suck to get where they are? I swear they have one fucking album that they keep slightly rearranging over and over, and somehow, garnering more and more critical acclaim every time, (by the way, critics are idiots.) Listen, to me, Spoon in nothing more than a shitty knock-off of Elvis Costello being raped by Neil Diamond. So when I have to hear people talk about how original and energetic their sound is, it makes me want to slice a vein or two. If you're one of the people that cannot get enough of Spoon's powerhouse of originality, here's two different songs by them, each one recorded five years apart.

I rest my case. Spoon is shit. Stop making them think they're something important.

Cutting Off The Hand That Feeds: An Objective Look at Pitchfork's Top 5 Albums of 2007.

2007-12-18T18:51:00.000-06:00

One thing I've become very clear of over the last few years is that I don't trust Pitchfork like I used to. They've become too wordy and smarmy with their reviews just because they can, yet none of the reviewers are above a competent level of writing. Most of the news found there can be found by simply going to any band's website or myspace. And possibly most annoying of all, they flood their website with endless blurbs and dick-suckings of a few artists in particular. This year they chose M.I.A., Radiohead, and Deerhunter to drive into our skulls, although Radiohead has become pretty much a staple dick-suck for them.
Well, when they posted their year end best-of list today, I shouldn't have been at all shocked to see how middle of the road and bland it was. But, it was their top 5 albums that really got me. So in tribute to the banality that Pitchfork has become, here's my breakdown analysis of their top 5 albums of the year:

5. Of Montreal - 'Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?' Here is an album I can only find one track off of I enjoy, and the rest seems to be filler for said one track. Over the past few years Kevin Barnes has turned Of Montreal from a band that was slightly annoying twee-pop into a fairly annoying indie-dance band. "The Past Is A Grotesque Animal" is a great song, the rest, forgettable.

4. Radiohead - 'In Rainbows' Listen. Enough has been written and said about Radiohead already that I don't want to waste my time or yours. You're a fan, or you're not. I, am not. Usually I can keep this fucking shit band off my radar, but with 'In Rainbows' I couldn't avoid these fuckers. They self-released it, and online. Big deal. The record is a boring rehash of their last few boring records, and anyone that is cumming themselves over it just wants to believe in the hype known as Radiohead.

3. M.I.A. - 'Kala' Well well. MIA. You couldn't leave well enough alone with just one annoying record, could you? 'Kala' was released to, god only knows how, rave reviews, and ironic indie kids losing their shit over how great and different this record is. Wow, she dresses like a retard and loops her music over and over. She uses "Where Is My Mind?" for part of one of her songs. It's fucking trash. Some records can cause migraines, this one could cause your eyes to bleed if you hear it enough. And trust me, I did.

2. LCD Soundsystem - 'Sound Of Silver' Ok, this is a freebie. 'Sound Of Silver' is an undeniable good album. From start to finish, every track is good. They're a dance band for people that hate dance music, like me. This one, Pitchfork gets away with, but most everyone likes this album, so maybe it doesn't really mean anything.

1. Panda Bear - 'Person Pitch' An open letter to Animal Collective and any member of said band: STOP. I am sick to death of what you do. The high-pitch squealing, the whackiness of it all, I can't handle it anymore. If I really wanted to hear what the Beach Boys sounded like on drugs, I would just listen to the fucking Beach Boys. The fact that this, an Animal Collective side project actually beat out the Animal Collective record, makes it all the more annoying to me. I suppose you could say I just don't "get" the whole Animal Collective thing, and you would be right. But honestly, I'm much happier not getting it.

Well, there you have it. My smug look at Pitchfork's jerkoff of the year. Special mention goes to Dan Deacon who needs to get into some sort of awful car crash. This guy... This guy. I don't even know what to say about him. What I do know is that anyone that names their album 'Spiderman of the Rings' is a fucking retard, and Dan Deacon luckily has the music to back-up my theory.

2007: The Year In Music Review.

2007-12-14T09:36:00.000-06:00

2007 was, as always, an interesting year for music. We saw the Shins and Arcade Fire, respectively both take the number 2 spot on the Billboard charts. Modest Mouse had a number 1 album. "Indie rock" was no longer indie, it became a major commodity in the record industry.

But, with all that going on, one thing could not escape me. One thing that was continuously shoved down my throat, over and over, ad-nauseam: M.I.A. Let me just state for the record, I am by no means a fan of M.I.A. In fact, her music incites a sort of anger within me that is Incredible Hulk-like.

The first time I listened to her new album, one thing immediately struck me; it was so bad that there was no way that even the most hip of the hipsters would like that shit. WRONG. It turns out everyone loves M.I.A. Well, most everyone. There are still a few of us out there that refuse to buy into it, but not many. This was proved once again today when I checked Pitchfork after I woke up, (yes that's my morning routine, shut up.) They asked a few of their favorite artists to list their favorite shit of 2007. Well over 75% of the people asked listed M.I.A. as one of their favorites of the year. WHAT??? Upon seeing just how many people actually love M.I.A., I had to stop for a second and consider stopping listening to music.

But wait, for those of us that think M.I.A. is the indie equivalent to Britney Spears, there's still hope. Below is a list of bands that put out great records this years. Hopefully you'll check them out and find something you like out of it.

Alamo Race Track
Arthur & Yu
The A-Sides
Baroness
Black Francis
Black Lips
Tom Brosseau
The Brunettes
Call Me Lightning
Clockcleaner
Deerhunter
Dinosaur Jr.
Drakkar Sauna
Early Years
Earth
Hot Hot Heat
Les Savy Fav
Low
Monotonix
Om
Oxbow
Pelican
Rock Plaza Central
Seawhores
Shellac
Wolves In The Throneroom

I'm sure there's many more I'm forgetting, but that's just a shortlist of good music that you might have not heard this year. Happy listening, I'm off to pancakes.